Cheese Wagons and Other Things I Have Feared

When I was four, my mom dropped me off at a babysitter's house. I told her that I didn't want to see the babysitter's dad because I was afraid of him. He was a man, and he had a beard. Double danger. (She dropped me off any way and told Mr. Coleman that if Laura's dad was around, I didn't want to see him. Yeah, Mom. I'm not stupid.)

My new neighbor had four English Springer Spaniels when we moved in. For a girl who would hyperventilate and go stiff at the sight of one dog, four was quite an ordeal for me.

I loved field trips as a kid, but when I got to Kindergarten, we started to take the Cheese Wagon on our field trips. You know, the big, yellow bus. It's loud and smells of diesel, and that weird funky smell inside, and the fake-leather seats burn my bottom, and when we get in the inevitable car crash we won't have seat belts. Field trip day? Here comes the quivering bottom lip.

I used to not be able to fall asleep at night because I had a gut feeling that this was the night the house would burn down. But if I stay awake and vigilant long enough, I can protect my family. That soon translated into deathly fear of all things fire: Fire men (of course -- two points if they had facial hair), Fire trucks, Fire drills, and Fire. In Kindergarten, Mrs. Lapeze used to scold me for crying at fire drills. By second grade, I found a sympathetic heart in Miss Moreman. She'd always warn me when we were going to have a fire drill, and let me hold her hand on the way out. I even went to talk to the counselor about it. She asked me to point to the face that showed how I felt when the fire alarm rang. (Come on, lady. I'm 7 years old. I can read the words "happy," "tired," "scared" at the bottom of the faces. I don't need to point. -- Side note, the same counselor moved to my high school and became my college counselor. She was quite ticked when she found out that I applied to ND without her help and wasn't interested in Pensacola Junior College.)

There was a fire early one morning in a candle closet at St. Pius X Church. When I got to school, the fire trucks were still there, setting up big fans to suck the smoke out of the sanctuary. When it looked like I was going to sit petrified in the back seat, my dad kindly handed me a quarter that I could use to call him at his office if there was another fire. He would come get me if I needed him. I bought it.

There were all kinds of other fears through the years -- fears that the Virgin Mary would appear and try to talk to me, like she did to Bernadette; fear of talking to boys -- or more accurately, fear of a boy I liked finding out I liked him; 9/11 brought a whole new slew of fears; I would wake up in sweats after the repeated dream that my dad died.

Then there was college. I think the only thing I've really been afraid of in college is drunk people. Freshman year, I was convinced that drunk people were out to get me. They knew I was sober, and they were going to MAKE me drink, or they were going to make fun of me for not drinking.

My fears have shifted now to things like fear of not fulfilling my potential, or fear of disappointing someone I respect. I fear being alone -- not in the "I need someone with me at all times" way, but in the "I don't have any intimate friends" way. I fear not getting a job and simultaneously fear getting a job and leaving the bubble. My brother and I were laughing at some of my silly childhood fears this morning, and in retrospect they are quite hilarious. But at the time, they were important and serious to me. I don't miss being paralyzed by fear, but I do miss having fears as simple as riding the Cheese Wagon. It was a very logical fear, and it was something I saw a clear answer to. Mom, you're just going to have to drive me to the Strawberry Farm in the Station Wagon. I sometimes wish the answers to my fears now were that simple.


EDIT: I was redeeming my gift card at Bebo's carwash and I remembered that I was petrified of going through carwashes. Those giant brushes coming at you, shaking the car -- you can't see anything and it's really loud -- oh man. Major issue.