Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Hauncher

You know that feeling on Christmas when all the presents have been opened and you've been being nice to your family for about 36 hours straight and you are tired of being on your best behavior? For many years, my family has solved this problem by saving up all of our wrapping paper tubes in anticipation of the high point of everyone's Christmas. Hauncher. (NB: some spell it Honcher.) The premise is simple: Eat a lot of rich, heavy Christmas dinner. A few glasses of wine will help in your preparation. When the table is clear and everyone has run out of conversation, distribute the Hauncher sticks, then proceed to the back yard. After establishing the rules (no face or head hits, no sucker punches, most intact stick "wins"...), on the count of three, Hauncher!


Commence beating each other with the Hauncher tubes. Don't worry if the tubes start to unravel and become limp in the warm, humid December air. More flexible Haunchers provide a more satisfying "thwap" upon the hiney of your opponent. Beat each other until a) someone cries b) all Haunchers are unraveled and/or torn c) someone vomits due to unnecessary excitement following a huge Christmas dinner.

The winner is to be determined by an impartial judge. The judging is based on the integrity of the Hauncher stick, though through the years, it has been determined that the integrity of the stick is inversely proportional to the amount of fun had. Therefore, a "winning" stick actually indicates that the owner had less fun than anyone else. Making a younger sibling/niece/nephew cry is automatic grounds for losing and a stern talking-to from Mom.

This game is sure to be a hit with your family next Christmas. Pun intended.